Let's make Valentines together!WHEN: Wednesday, Feb 12 @ 6pm (PST) for approx. 2 hours
WHERE: on Zoom COST: $0-20 (paying is completely optional, $0 is perfectly acceptable) HOW: Get registered here. DETAILS: Join me for a morning of making some simple heart themed creations - these could be Valentines, or just fun HEART ART. I'll demo a few fun, heart'ful ideas for you, and then we'll create together! We'll chat and create together and have a little time to show off our creations before we say goodbye. Join us for community, creativity, and FUN!! SUPPLIES: DO NOT WORRY if you have only the very basics. Some paper and a handful of highlighters would totally work! Bring whatcha got and we'll make it work. The main intentions behind these gatherings are having fun and creating in community. Everything we do is planned to be accessible with even the most basic of supplies! THE BASICS:
SOME SPECIFIC ITEMS FOR THE THINGS I WILL DEMO:
You can follow along with the projects I demo or you can do your own thing! I'm going to have basic ideas to show you for the first bit and then after that, we can work on those or whatever we want! The ideas I bring can be Valentine themed, or can just be heart-themed and will be appropriate for other occasions. I don't want anyone to feel overwhelmed or that they have to have PILES of arty/crafty stuff in order to participate. Looking forward to seeing you for heartsy-artsy FUN.
0 Comments
Shared for Erika and her mom, which is to say, for anyone brave enough to talk about death with strangers. The Fable in Thermodynamics |
The first law of thermodynamics states this: 'energy can neither be created nor destroyed.' Which is that everything around us is recycled energy: you, me, your dog, those we love and those we avoid. Which is to say that the energy that makes us is as ancient as the beginning of time itself. Which is to say that our bones could have been fragmented together from the ashes of the library of Alexandria. Which is to say our sinews and spine were crafted from the end of a hundred-year-old oak tree and our smiles a comet. Which is to say our hearts could be Achilles' spirit when he battled at Troy, bringing his enemies down with it. Which is to say, when we feel like life is overwhelming, wemust remember that we're just sparks of energy borrowing skin. That no matter how much this pain feels everlasting, this is just the temporary fabric we are in. |
Have you heard of the Death Cafe concept? A Death Cafe is a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objectives or themes. At a Death Cafe people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea and discuss death with the objective 'to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives'.
If you are local to Everett, WA, join me at the Everett Death Cafe. We meet monthly on the last Monday of each month at Solie Funeral Home. More info here Lightly facilitated (by me) discussion about death + always CAKE!
If you are local to Everett, WA, join me at the Everett Death Cafe. We meet monthly on the last Monday of each month at Solie Funeral Home. More info here Lightly facilitated (by me) discussion about death + always CAKE!
RESCHEDULEDJoin me for a fun, free chat about making art and getting creative with kids!! New Date TBD 90 minutes hosted on Zoom, free to attend recording provided if you are unable to attend live | Image description: a child's hands are using an orange crayon to color a picture of a butterfly. Image credit: Lucas Alexander via Unsplash |
What are some of the roadblocks to getting creative with kids?
Let's bust through the roadblocks and get creative!! There are so many benefits for children and grown ups in making art! Making art together with the kiddos in our lives can be fun and help us get to know them better and connect more deeply with them. The ideas I will share in this call will be useful for getting creative with kids - whether they are toddlers or teens!
In this 90 minute Zoom workshop, we will:
This Community Chat event is FREE and open to anyone. Whether you're a parent, grandparent, auntie/uncle, or just a RAD human who hangs out with kids sometimes, come and get some ideas about how to get creative with the kiddos in your life!
Please note: while I will be demo'ing some fun art activities, this will not be a child-adult participation session. This is a great workshop for adults to attend to learn and bring back the ideas and activities to your own creative time.
Our Community Chat time will be best served if attendees are able to have their video on during the call.
This Community Chat will be recorded. Everyone who registers will have access to the recording for a limited time after the event.
- it's messy
- it's complicated
- it's expensive
- the fun is one-sided (and I'm not the one having it!)
- we have to be making *something*
- we have to have a lot of supplies
- "I'm not an artist, so how can I make art with my kids?"
Let's bust through the roadblocks and get creative!! There are so many benefits for children and grown ups in making art! Making art together with the kiddos in our lives can be fun and help us get to know them better and connect more deeply with them. The ideas I will share in this call will be useful for getting creative with kids - whether they are toddlers or teens!
In this 90 minute Zoom workshop, we will:
- talk about why making art with kids can be so useful for connecting with them.
- learn more about the benefits of intentional time for creativity - for kids AND for us.
- do some "myth busting" from the list above.
- spend time talking about YOUR roadblocks to creative time.
- have time to hear from each other about how we already get creative with our kiddos.
- learn 4 easy, specific art activities that you can do with your kids TODAY.
- brainstorm other ideas for getting creative, artistic, silly, and playful with the kids in our life.
This Community Chat event is FREE and open to anyone. Whether you're a parent, grandparent, auntie/uncle, or just a RAD human who hangs out with kids sometimes, come and get some ideas about how to get creative with the kiddos in your life!
Please note: while I will be demo'ing some fun art activities, this will not be a child-adult participation session. This is a great workshop for adults to attend to learn and bring back the ideas and activities to your own creative time.
Our Community Chat time will be best served if attendees are able to have their video on during the call.
This Community Chat will be recorded. Everyone who registers will have access to the recording for a limited time after the event.
Let's Celebrate World Poetry Day Together!!
Join me for a virtual open mic event in celebration of World Poetry Day!
Come simply to listen, or choose to read a favorite poem or your own original work.
Come simply to listen, or choose to read a favorite poem or your own original work.
- When: Tuesday, March 21st, 6-8:30pm (PT)
- Where: on Zoom
- Cost: tiered pricing - $20 / $25 / $30, discount offered to those signing up to read. No one will be turned away, so if you can't afford to register, just reach out and I'll get you set up.
You can register as a Listener, as a Poem Reader (any poem), or a Poem Reader (original work). If you have any favorite poems and would like to make a request, there is space for that on the registration.
We will also be creating poetry together! About midway through, we'll pause in our listening to do a fun, creative exercise together that will help YOU write a poem - even if you have no experience writing poetry. There is no requirement to participate or share what you write, just an invitation to play with words!
This poem was shared in Seeds of Connection Wheel Cycle.
my brain and heart divorced a decade ago over who was to blame about how big of a mess I have become eventually, they couldn't be in the same room with each other now my head and heart share custody of me I stay with my brain during the week and my heart gets me on weekends they never speak to one another - instead, they give me the same note to pass to each other every week and their notes they send to one another always say the same thing: "This is all your fault" on Sundays my heart complains about how my head has let me down in the past and on Wednesday my head lists all of the times my heart has screwed things up for me in the future they blame each other for the state of my life there's been a lot of yelling - and crying so, lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my gut who serves as my unofficial therapist most nights, I sneak out of the window in my ribcage and slide down my spine and collapse on my gut's plush leather chair that's always open for me ~ and I just sit sit sit sit until the sun comes up last evening, my gut asked me if I was having a hard time being caught between my heart and my head I nodded I said I didn't know if I could live with either of them anymore "my heart is always sad about something that happened yesterday while my head is always worried about something that may happen tomorrow," I lamented my gut squeezed my hand "I just can't live with my mistakes of the past or my anxiety about the future," I sighed my gut smiled and said: "in that case, you should go stay with your lungs for a while," I was confused - the look on my face gave it away "if you are exhausted about your heart's obsession with the fixed past and your mind's focus on the uncertain future your lungs are the perfect place for you there is no yesterday in your lungs there is no tomorrow there either there is only now there is only inhale there is only exhale there is only this moment there is only breath and in that breath you can rest while your heart and head work their relationship out." this morning, while my brain was busy reading tea leaves and while my heart was staring at old photographs I packed a little bag and walked to the door of my lungs before I could even knock she opened the door with a smile and as a gust of air embraced me she said "what took you so long?" ~ John Roedel (johnroedel.com) | Image description: a person's hand holds a leaf out against a backdrop of the forest. There is a heart shape cut out of the middle of the leaf. Image credit: Anthony Intraversato via Unsplash |
These are poems that were shared in the recent Group Peer Support (GPS) facilitator training, hosted by Perinatal Support Washington (PS-WA).
Notes on Survival by Nikita Gill You are allowed to break. Everything does. The stars grow tired and fall. The waves crash against rocks and shores. Trees fall for both storms and wind leaving behind seeds and saplings so a version of them may grow again. Storm clouds part for rain then part for the sun to come through. Night must break for day and day for night in a cycle. The world is made of broken things piecing themselves back together -- this is what gives us the most resilient stories. So why do you think that you were made any differently than the night and the storm clouds? You know how to put yourself back together again, too, just as well as they do. Take heart that you have managed to rebuild yourself a thousand times after every bad day. That is no small thing. | Image description: a tree is at the top of a grassy hill with a blue sky behind it. A large branch is broken off and lying on the ground. Photo credit: Tim Mossholder via Unsplash |
Image description: two people sit with their backs to the camera, looking toward water. Glowing light from the sunset shines between their shoulders. Photo credit: Briana Tozour via Unsplash | WHEN SOMEONE DEEPLY LISTENS TO YOU by John Fox When someone deeply listens to you It is like holding out a dented cup you’ve had since childhood and watching it fill up with cold, fresh water. When it balances on top of the brim, you are understood. When it overflows and touches your skin you are loved. When someone deeply listens to you the room where you stay starts a new life and the place where you wrote your first poem begins to glow in your mind’s eye. It is as if gold had been discovered. When someone deeply listens to you Your bare feet are on the earth and a beloved land that seemed distant is now at home within you. |
the fire that awakens you by Danielle Doby From I Am Her Tribe I am drawn to the light in others it is how I know I am not alone to be a seeker of the light is to be connected to the very truth itself - the way out of the darkness is when we can look across the table and find our face in another's when we let our stories exist we invite others to see themselves more clearly in a space where pain struggle stunning resilience and belonging are not unique to just one person they live in each of us proving we are not on our own i heal and you heal and when we heal the world heals with us an open heart is the key that unlocks hope's reach the sun is here within you now open your eyes | Image description: a field of bright yellow sunflowers. The sun is just visible above the tree line in the background. Photo credit: Todd Kent via Unsplash |
From Art Church - Jan 15, 2023
In today's Art Church, I pulled a card for each person who wanted one. We pulled from 2 decks: Animal Spirit by Kim Krans and Dirt Gems by Anne Louise Burdett & Chelsea Granger. Folks could choose a plant ally or animal ally to take them into the new year. Maybe you'd like an ally for 2023? Feel free to choose one that resonates for you!
Earthwormsby Lynn Ungar Imagine. The only thing that God requires of them is a persistent, wriggling, moving forward, passing the earth through the crinkled tube of their bodies in a motion less like chewing than like song. Everything they encounter goes through them, as if sunsets, drug store clerks, diesel fumes and sidewalks were to move through our very centers and emerge subtly different for having fed us — looser somehow, more open to the possibility of life. They say the job of angels is to sing to God in serried choirs. Perhaps. But most jobs aren’t so glamorous. Mostly the world depends upon the silent chanting underneath our feet. To every grain that enters: “Welcome.” To every parting mote: “Be blessed.” |
An update about Art Church
The bullet points:
Instead of Art Church being on 3rd Sundays every month, they'll be scheduled on different Sundays and the dates posted quarterly. After having to cancel several, I realized that my schedule just doesn't work well with trying to plan a year in advance. Quarterly planning and scheduling of the Art Church dates means I'll be better able to ensure they work with my schedule and hopefully I won't have to reschedule or cancel.
The format will be slightly different. I'll be bringing something to each Art Church gathering for us to do together - it may be pulling cards for everyone (that's what's happened in January! March was found word poetry), or an art or journaling exercise, or a simple follow-along type project. Nothing will require any specific supplies, and it's 100% opt-in. So if you just want to chill and watch or work on your own thing, or join the call for the later portion, that's just fine!
Loose schedule will be:
First 15 minutes: arriving, chatting, checking in
30-45 minutes for exercise/activity
1 hour for art'ing on your own project, chatting, etc.
If you'd like to skip the structured bits completely, plan to join the call about an hour after our start time.
The next dates for Art Church are:
Want more info about Art Church? Here's a blog post I wrote about it.
Art Church is not religious or affiliated with any faith tradition. The idea is that art and creativity are inherently beautiful, joyful, and sacred and that doing them together in community with others is a spiritual and revolutionary act. Join us no matter what you believe.....as long as you believe in MAKING shit.
If you'd like to be sure to get reminders and updates about Art Church, you can add your name to the list by clicking the button below.
- No longer on 3rd Sundays
- Dates will be posted quarterly, dates and times will vary
- Format will change - very loose structure, lots of art-ing and chatting time!
Instead of Art Church being on 3rd Sundays every month, they'll be scheduled on different Sundays and the dates posted quarterly. After having to cancel several, I realized that my schedule just doesn't work well with trying to plan a year in advance. Quarterly planning and scheduling of the Art Church dates means I'll be better able to ensure they work with my schedule and hopefully I won't have to reschedule or cancel.
The format will be slightly different. I'll be bringing something to each Art Church gathering for us to do together - it may be pulling cards for everyone (that's what's happened in January! March was found word poetry), or an art or journaling exercise, or a simple follow-along type project. Nothing will require any specific supplies, and it's 100% opt-in. So if you just want to chill and watch or work on your own thing, or join the call for the later portion, that's just fine!
Loose schedule will be:
First 15 minutes: arriving, chatting, checking in
30-45 minutes for exercise/activity
1 hour for art'ing on your own project, chatting, etc.
If you'd like to skip the structured bits completely, plan to join the call about an hour after our start time.
The next dates for Art Church are:
- April 23 @ 10am (PT)
Register for April Art Church here
- May 21 @ 10am (PT)
Register for May Art Church here - June 11 @ 10am (PT)
Register for June Art Church here
Want more info about Art Church? Here's a blog post I wrote about it.
Art Church is not religious or affiliated with any faith tradition. The idea is that art and creativity are inherently beautiful, joyful, and sacred and that doing them together in community with others is a spiritual and revolutionary act. Join us no matter what you believe.....as long as you believe in MAKING shit.
If you'd like to be sure to get reminders and updates about Art Church, you can add your name to the list by clicking the button below.
I hope you'll join us for an Art Church playdate sometime!!
AN INVITATION by Jeff Foster from Falling in Love With Where You Are I don't want to hear what you believe I'm not at all interested in your certainty I couldn't care less about your unexcelled perfection Share with me your doubts Open up your tender heart Let me in to your struggles I'll meet you in that place Where your spiritual conclusions Are starting to crack open That's where the creativity lives That's where the newness shines That's where we can truly meet: Beyond the image Your imperfections Are so perfect In this light I don't want you to be perfect I want you to be real |
WHEN SOMEONE DEEPLY LISTENS TO YOU by John Fox When someone deeply listens to you It is like holding out a dented cup you’ve had since childhood and watching it fill up with cold, fresh water. When it balances on top of the brim, you are understood. When it overflows and touches your skin you are loved. When someone deeply listens to you the room where you stay starts a new life and the place where you wrote your first poem begins to glow in your mind’s eye. It is as if gold had been discovered. When someone deeply listens to you Your bare feet are on the earth and a beloved land that seemed distant is now at home within you. |
the fire that awakens you by Danielle Doby From I Am Her Tribe I am drawn to the light in others it is how I know I am not alone to be a seeker of the light is to be connected to the very truth itself - the way out of the darkness is when we can look across the table and find our face in another's when we let our stories exist we invite others to see themselves more clearly in a space where pain struggle stunning resilience and belonging are not unique to just one person they live in each of us proving we are not on our own i heal and you heal and when we heal the world heals with us an open heart is the key that unlocks hope's reach the sun is here within you now open your eyes |
Mother's Wisdom Deck
I mentioned this deck. Unfortunately, it's out of print and challenging to find at a reasonable price, but I do occasionally see it decently priced on various thrift book sites. There are so many cool decks out there that could be used similarly - search "affirmation decks" or "oracle decks" at your favorite bookseller.
I mentioned this deck. Unfortunately, it's out of print and challenging to find at a reasonable price, but I do occasionally see it decently priced on various thrift book sites. There are so many cool decks out there that could be used similarly - search "affirmation decks" or "oracle decks" at your favorite bookseller.
This series of guest interviews is part of the Practicing Together project - a 6 month exploration of the 5 Practices framework that I use in my Seeds of Connection groups. Each guest was invited to choose 5 questions from a list of over 60 questions that were based on the different practices. The questions are being posted over the next many months on my Instagram feed - follow along and answer them for yourself, and see how others in the community are reflecting on these topics. A new guest interview will be posted to this blog every Friday from June through November 2022. Read more about the Practicing Together project and join us for the monthly Community Calls for deeper exploration! |
Um, excuse me.....super wise wisdom AND a Keanu Reeves quote?? Yes, please!! Honestly, you are very likely to hear me say "yes, please!" to almost anything this wonder woman proposes! I'm so excited to offer you Myla Rugge's interview today. Myla is a powerhouse - founder of Mom Prom, champion of moms everywhere, and one of the few people I know who can tell you the VERYTRUETRUTH about motherhood, and have you laughing and agreeing while you listen! Myla has been a friend for several years now, and I'm thrilled she agreed to participate in this project. Take a minute to check out her deliciously deep dives into some great questions, and I'm sure you'll see just how wonderful this amazing woman is!
What do you think of Myla's answers? Do YOU have a favorite Keanu Reeves quote? How about a fave super hero? Share in the comments and let us know!
What do you think of Myla's answers? Do YOU have a favorite Keanu Reeves quote? How about a fave super hero? Share in the comments and let us know!

When/how do you find time to play?
I try to play a little every day. If that’s not possible at least once a week. Sometimes it is wearing a tiara or a rainbow headband to the grocery store. Sometimes it is making my friends laugh on a phone or video call by telling a story or sharing an observation. Sometimes it is chatting with the person in front of me at the grocery store or complimenting the mail carrier. Sometimes my play comes via clothing - fun shoes or a funny t-shirt. Sometimes it comes through literal play, like playing Uno or Mario Kart with my family.
Play to me is a form of self-care. It is vital that it is part of my life. It is how I move through the world. It is one way that I feed my soul.
What false stories, myths, or constructs have you believed about yourself? How have you or do you let those go or shift/change them?
For a lot of my life I was told/have been told that I am “a lot”. The implication is that I am too much – too loud, too tall, too sarcastic, too honest, too outspoken, too unladylike…. When I was younger I think some of that was true, well, not true exactly, but an understandable opinion. I was very loud, talkative and didn’t have much of a filter. Everything I thought came out of my mouth. Sometimes I didn’t know what I thought until I said it or until started talking. I didn’t understand that my words could affect people and that sometimes there were things that should remain “inside thoughts”. I didn’t have to say everything out loud.
As I got older, I learned what an extrovert was and I began to understand that talking through my thoughts/thinking was part of how I had to live. As a young adult I tried to surround myself with friends who understood and appreciated these qualities about me. As an adult I found a therapist who I could process with. Growing up I really didn’t care what people thought of me, but at the same time I kind of did. Through years of self-reflection, I embraced that there are things I am good at that other people weren’t and vice versa. I also realized I wasn’t for everyone, no one is, of course. I grew more into myself. I am not “too much”. I’m just not for everyone. Working on that concept and really internalizing it has lead me to true self-love. Now I am working on make sure I am open to feedback from others, but I filter it through what I know to be true about myself.
How do you walk through challenging experiences or grief with people you are close to?
Challenging experiences, and grief especially, are deeply personal. The most important thing I keep in mind when supporting someone (or going through something myself) is that they way someone reacts to my pain/challenge/grief is ABOUT THEM. I try very, very hard to not do that to others and to understand when people do it to me. Everyone has to go through what they have to go through. The best way I can support someone who is struggling with a challenging experience or grief is by listening and acknowledging their experience. I have practiced and, I think, become quite good at, making sure it doesn’t become about me (what it would be like to experience what they are experiencing, how I would feel if that were happening to me, what my fears are, etc.) I strive to be authentic and honest, to share my experience as a way of connecting and saying “you are not alone”, but not hijacking their experience and making it my own.
Grief is its own special thing. I like this quote by Keanu Reeves (I know, right?!? Love me some Keanu!) “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” It is a club no one wants to be a part of, but once you have lost someone close to you, you understand that you are never healed, you are always healing. It is an active state. People often try to say things to make you feel better (“he’s in a better place” or “you’ll feel better eventually” or “you’ll get some closure eventually.”), but I often find these things make you feel worse and more alone. I try to remind myself that talking about a lost loved one is what people often want. Talking about them keeps them alive, in a way. But, really, the most important thing of all, is offering support/advice/etc. rather than just giving it. Most of the time what people really need/want is a hug, an ear and someone who will walk alongside them no matter what.
What are some of the mantras or kind words you offer yourself to get through tough times?
-Everything happens for a reason. I know this is sort of a “lie” I tell myself. I don’t truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that the most important thing is not WHAT happens to me, but HOW I handle/process/think about it. Crappy things happen to everybody, all the time. I am afforded privileges that some things don’t happen to me. I know that the STORY I tell myself about what has happened is almost more important than what actually happened.
-Everyone is struggling with something. This has become especially evident since I became a mom and started sharing my experiences and listening to others’ experiences. It, of course, extends to all people, not just moms. But, sitting in a circle and listening to moms from all walks of life share how they feel about motherhood and what they are struggling with has been an inspiring and clarifying experience. Where once I might have seen a mom out with her newborn who looked like she had it all together and felt badly about myself, I now think to myself “she is likely struggling with things as a mom, too”. My compassion for others has increased, which, in turn, has increase my self-compassion.
-Its about them…AKA “What is going on with this person that they need to tell me this?” This is often something I deploy when I am receiving unsolicited advice, especially from a stranger in public. But, this mantra works with everyone in my life. For example, my friend’s discomfort with my decision or idea is ABOUT HER. I’ve learned how to be more aware of the way people operate and communicate with me. That doesn’t mean I don’t listen to what people in my life have to say, I just am better at filtering it through the knowledge that it is (likely) about them and how they would feel if they were me/making the decision.
-Be curious rather than judgmental. I usually do this by asking what questions. And to remind myself that my reaction to something is telling me something ABOUT MYSELF. Listening and paying attention to that can be hard, but when I do I ALWAYS learning something.
-When I’m 80 will this matter…? Sometimes things in life can get really stressful or I can get really focused on something that I am worried about. When this happens I try to take a beat and ask myself “When I am 80 years old will this matter?” I think Brene Brown has a version of this where she asks “Will this matter in an hour? A day? A week? A month? A year?” For example, when I am 80 will it matter that we are late to this orthodontist appointment? Or when my kid is 80 will it matter that he did 3rd grade online or miss three days of school to go on a trip? Probably not. This question helps me (re)gain perspective.
-This too shall pass, even the good. This reminds me to savor things when they are going well and to remind myself that nothing lasts forever. This one really helps me embrace that everything changes. This mantra calms me a bit and helps me have faith that things will be okay.
-Just try it…for a week. Sometimes I get stressed about how to solve something or what to try because I worry that the solution is the right one. Then I remember, “oh, right, I can just try it for a little bit and then if it doesn’t work I can try something else.” It is really freeing to realize that the trying is the most important thing, not finding a perfect solution the first time or ever, really.
-Notice. Pay attention. This is the key to mindfulness for me. Not meditating or breathing or whatever. Just noticing. It helps me be present in the room with my kids or relax in nature or be able to appreciate what is happening in my life. Sometimes I’ll challenge myself and think, “I’m going to go into the kitchen and notice five things about Rob (my husband).” It is always an eye-opening, rewarding experience!
-You can’t control how other people feel or behave. I can only control how I feel and behave. Embracing this has changed my life, especially my relationships.
Where do you find and connect to community?
Fun fact about me – one of my superpowers is creating community. I often am creating community for myself.
Seattle Mom Prom – Working on this all-ladies dance party, for the last fourteen years, has put me in touch with all kinds of women that I have learned so much from. The event itself is all about creating an environment where women can have fun, feel safe and connect. For me, Prom is really about creating community. There are many things I do (and don’t do) before and during the event to emphasize that “we are all in this together”. I am intentionally creating a space that allows for women to connect, including myself. It is EVERYTHING.
The Breakroom – This is a moms support group I co-founded and ran off and on for six years. It is a space where moms can talk about how they FEEL about motherhood rather than how to be a mom. I am in the process of relaunching it in the fall.
Zoom Reunions – When the pandemic started, I reached out to some old friends and started having a weekly Zoom call. Then I started a call with the women from my high school basketball team. And then I started another Zoom call with people I went to high school with but hadn’t spoken to in decades. That call became a bi-monthly call. All three calls have happened for over two years and have no signs of stopping. During the hardest days of the pandemic I needed to have nostalgia and FUN in my life. These calls helped me cope with the uncertainty we were all feeling. They help(ed) remind me of where I come from and what I have already survived.
Mama’s Comfort Camp & My Momma Network – these are two closed/secret Facebook groups that I often lurk in, but don’t post in. I find it really helpful to have a safe place where moms can share their experiences and get support. I get so much insight from hearing about the experiences other moms are going through.
I try to play a little every day. If that’s not possible at least once a week. Sometimes it is wearing a tiara or a rainbow headband to the grocery store. Sometimes it is making my friends laugh on a phone or video call by telling a story or sharing an observation. Sometimes it is chatting with the person in front of me at the grocery store or complimenting the mail carrier. Sometimes my play comes via clothing - fun shoes or a funny t-shirt. Sometimes it comes through literal play, like playing Uno or Mario Kart with my family.
Play to me is a form of self-care. It is vital that it is part of my life. It is how I move through the world. It is one way that I feed my soul.
What false stories, myths, or constructs have you believed about yourself? How have you or do you let those go or shift/change them?
For a lot of my life I was told/have been told that I am “a lot”. The implication is that I am too much – too loud, too tall, too sarcastic, too honest, too outspoken, too unladylike…. When I was younger I think some of that was true, well, not true exactly, but an understandable opinion. I was very loud, talkative and didn’t have much of a filter. Everything I thought came out of my mouth. Sometimes I didn’t know what I thought until I said it or until started talking. I didn’t understand that my words could affect people and that sometimes there were things that should remain “inside thoughts”. I didn’t have to say everything out loud.
As I got older, I learned what an extrovert was and I began to understand that talking through my thoughts/thinking was part of how I had to live. As a young adult I tried to surround myself with friends who understood and appreciated these qualities about me. As an adult I found a therapist who I could process with. Growing up I really didn’t care what people thought of me, but at the same time I kind of did. Through years of self-reflection, I embraced that there are things I am good at that other people weren’t and vice versa. I also realized I wasn’t for everyone, no one is, of course. I grew more into myself. I am not “too much”. I’m just not for everyone. Working on that concept and really internalizing it has lead me to true self-love. Now I am working on make sure I am open to feedback from others, but I filter it through what I know to be true about myself.
How do you walk through challenging experiences or grief with people you are close to?
Challenging experiences, and grief especially, are deeply personal. The most important thing I keep in mind when supporting someone (or going through something myself) is that they way someone reacts to my pain/challenge/grief is ABOUT THEM. I try very, very hard to not do that to others and to understand when people do it to me. Everyone has to go through what they have to go through. The best way I can support someone who is struggling with a challenging experience or grief is by listening and acknowledging their experience. I have practiced and, I think, become quite good at, making sure it doesn’t become about me (what it would be like to experience what they are experiencing, how I would feel if that were happening to me, what my fears are, etc.) I strive to be authentic and honest, to share my experience as a way of connecting and saying “you are not alone”, but not hijacking their experience and making it my own.
Grief is its own special thing. I like this quote by Keanu Reeves (I know, right?!? Love me some Keanu!) “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” It is a club no one wants to be a part of, but once you have lost someone close to you, you understand that you are never healed, you are always healing. It is an active state. People often try to say things to make you feel better (“he’s in a better place” or “you’ll feel better eventually” or “you’ll get some closure eventually.”), but I often find these things make you feel worse and more alone. I try to remind myself that talking about a lost loved one is what people often want. Talking about them keeps them alive, in a way. But, really, the most important thing of all, is offering support/advice/etc. rather than just giving it. Most of the time what people really need/want is a hug, an ear and someone who will walk alongside them no matter what.
What are some of the mantras or kind words you offer yourself to get through tough times?
-Everything happens for a reason. I know this is sort of a “lie” I tell myself. I don’t truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that the most important thing is not WHAT happens to me, but HOW I handle/process/think about it. Crappy things happen to everybody, all the time. I am afforded privileges that some things don’t happen to me. I know that the STORY I tell myself about what has happened is almost more important than what actually happened.
-Everyone is struggling with something. This has become especially evident since I became a mom and started sharing my experiences and listening to others’ experiences. It, of course, extends to all people, not just moms. But, sitting in a circle and listening to moms from all walks of life share how they feel about motherhood and what they are struggling with has been an inspiring and clarifying experience. Where once I might have seen a mom out with her newborn who looked like she had it all together and felt badly about myself, I now think to myself “she is likely struggling with things as a mom, too”. My compassion for others has increased, which, in turn, has increase my self-compassion.
-Its about them…AKA “What is going on with this person that they need to tell me this?” This is often something I deploy when I am receiving unsolicited advice, especially from a stranger in public. But, this mantra works with everyone in my life. For example, my friend’s discomfort with my decision or idea is ABOUT HER. I’ve learned how to be more aware of the way people operate and communicate with me. That doesn’t mean I don’t listen to what people in my life have to say, I just am better at filtering it through the knowledge that it is (likely) about them and how they would feel if they were me/making the decision.
-Be curious rather than judgmental. I usually do this by asking what questions. And to remind myself that my reaction to something is telling me something ABOUT MYSELF. Listening and paying attention to that can be hard, but when I do I ALWAYS learning something.
-When I’m 80 will this matter…? Sometimes things in life can get really stressful or I can get really focused on something that I am worried about. When this happens I try to take a beat and ask myself “When I am 80 years old will this matter?” I think Brene Brown has a version of this where she asks “Will this matter in an hour? A day? A week? A month? A year?” For example, when I am 80 will it matter that we are late to this orthodontist appointment? Or when my kid is 80 will it matter that he did 3rd grade online or miss three days of school to go on a trip? Probably not. This question helps me (re)gain perspective.
-This too shall pass, even the good. This reminds me to savor things when they are going well and to remind myself that nothing lasts forever. This one really helps me embrace that everything changes. This mantra calms me a bit and helps me have faith that things will be okay.
-Just try it…for a week. Sometimes I get stressed about how to solve something or what to try because I worry that the solution is the right one. Then I remember, “oh, right, I can just try it for a little bit and then if it doesn’t work I can try something else.” It is really freeing to realize that the trying is the most important thing, not finding a perfect solution the first time or ever, really.
-Notice. Pay attention. This is the key to mindfulness for me. Not meditating or breathing or whatever. Just noticing. It helps me be present in the room with my kids or relax in nature or be able to appreciate what is happening in my life. Sometimes I’ll challenge myself and think, “I’m going to go into the kitchen and notice five things about Rob (my husband).” It is always an eye-opening, rewarding experience!
-You can’t control how other people feel or behave. I can only control how I feel and behave. Embracing this has changed my life, especially my relationships.
Where do you find and connect to community?
Fun fact about me – one of my superpowers is creating community. I often am creating community for myself.
Seattle Mom Prom – Working on this all-ladies dance party, for the last fourteen years, has put me in touch with all kinds of women that I have learned so much from. The event itself is all about creating an environment where women can have fun, feel safe and connect. For me, Prom is really about creating community. There are many things I do (and don’t do) before and during the event to emphasize that “we are all in this together”. I am intentionally creating a space that allows for women to connect, including myself. It is EVERYTHING.
The Breakroom – This is a moms support group I co-founded and ran off and on for six years. It is a space where moms can talk about how they FEEL about motherhood rather than how to be a mom. I am in the process of relaunching it in the fall.
Zoom Reunions – When the pandemic started, I reached out to some old friends and started having a weekly Zoom call. Then I started a call with the women from my high school basketball team. And then I started another Zoom call with people I went to high school with but hadn’t spoken to in decades. That call became a bi-monthly call. All three calls have happened for over two years and have no signs of stopping. During the hardest days of the pandemic I needed to have nostalgia and FUN in my life. These calls helped me cope with the uncertainty we were all feeling. They help(ed) remind me of where I come from and what I have already survived.
Mama’s Comfort Camp & My Momma Network – these are two closed/secret Facebook groups that I often lurk in, but don’t post in. I find it really helpful to have a safe place where moms can share their experiences and get support. I get so much insight from hearing about the experiences other moms are going through.
BIO

Myla Rugge is a community builder, researcher, educator, life-long learner, and creator of FUN! She is passionate about helping people – especially, moms – with whatever they need. You can learn more about what she’s up to at www.mylarugge.com
Author
It's me, Crystal. I need a place to put all my extra words.
Archives
March 2023
February 2023
January 2023
October 2022
September 2022
August 2022
July 2022
June 2022
May 2022
March 2022
February 2022
January 2022
July 2020