In today's Art Church, I pulled a card for each person who wanted one.  We pulled from 2 decks: Animal Spirit by Kim Krans and Dirt Gems by Anne Louise Burdett & Chelsea Granger.  Folks could choose a plant ally or animal ally to take them into the new year.  Maybe you'd like an ally for 2023?  Feel free to choose one that resonates for you!

I've been growing dahlias for a few years now.  This year I decided to really go big and we took over our front yard (where there is soooo much sunshine!  also, who actually *needs* all that grass???) with 3 big raised beds and 60+ plants.

These dahlias have given me so much to think about this year.  

When we were planting them, it was long, hot, dirty work.  Identifying the tubers we dug up last year, sorting out the ones that didn't save well over the winter (luckily I only lost 3 or 4 due to rot or mold), moving dirt into the beds, digging holes.  There's dusty bone meal, there are slimy worms.  We were hunched over, and lifting, and getting up and down, crouching, and twisting, and generally moving our bodies in all kinds of ways that weren't comfortable and definitely were not what we are used to!

We got all those dahlia babies tucked into their dirt beds, markers identifying what was nestled in below.  It was a couple of really intense days of lots of work.  And when we were done, we got to stand back and proudly survey our work.....lovely piles of DIRT.

​So we were dirty, dusty, tired and achy and all we had to show for it was dirt, and hope.  From there, all we had was information from past experience and from guidebooks and friends - which all told us to wait and trust that these flower babies would indeed grow and bloom and add something beautiful to our yard and life.

I keep coming back to this process of planting dahlias.  It has reminded me of another season in my life of a different kind of planting, and growing, and waiting.
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Several years ago, I found myself in a pretty  dark place.  Lots of things had shifted in my life.  Things that had been central to my identity had been lost, or changed in major ways.  I found myself wondering if I actually knew who I was anymore. I felt disconnected from myself, from my partner and family, and just generally from my life.  

I felt adrift and unmoored after a huge shift in my perspective of faith, after leaving a life of immersion in toxic religion (hello, any other exvangelicals??)  I wondered how I could find a connection to spirituality without religion.  Because of health reasons, I'd had to step away from birth doula work, which I loved and was a huge part of my identity.  I wondered how I would be of service in work that felt meaningful to me. Our family had recently moved from a very rural area to a much more urban one, and I felt disconnected from nature and from a community. I'd been diagnosed with MS for some time, but the reality of how it had physically affected me really came crashing in.  I wondered who I was now that I wasn't a fully able-bodied person any more. My big kids had grown up and were out in the world doing their thing. My "babies" were pre-teen and becoming more self-sufficient by the day.  All of it compounded until I was truly in a deep state of depression.

For those who have lived with depression, you'll know that it can really take over every part of your life - mentally, emotionally, physically.  It is hard and all consuming.

Luckily, I'm privileged to have a supportive partner and friends and good health insurance.  Therapy and medication helped a lot and brought me out of the darkest parts of that time.  But for quite a while, it felt like there were "cobwebs" of that darkness clinging to me that I just couldn't shake.  I still needed to explore my identity and who I was now that these big transitions had happened.  I'd lost many of the tools I'd previously used for coping and comfort - prayer, worship music, the easy community that can happen when you show up once a week with the same folks.  I'd lost the identities that helped me feel like I was doing good in the world - mothering a big family, doula work, a community that I volunteered in and gave to.

I had no idea where to begin to get these feelings to shift or to begin to find my way back to myself again. I decided to begin saying "yes" to anything that felt even remotely interesting or appealing.  For so long, struggling through depression, nothing had felt doable or lit a spark for me, so I thought that might be a good first step - follow my "yes", follow that spark when I felt it.

I started exploring tarot and learning how to work with tarot and oracle cards and I began to plant seeds of getting in touch with my intuition for the first time.  Toxic religion had taught me that my gut feelings my thoughts, my wants and needs were compromised by my "sinful nature" and that my own inner voice was unreliable, I should only listen to religious leaders and an extremely old (and overly translated) book.  I began to see that my intuition was right and good and that my gut feelings could be trusted.

Another spark came when I first learned about Hakomi and on a whim I signed up for a workshop.  That led to a deep dive and studying somatics and mindfulness as it relates to listening to ourself and others.  People assigned female at birth often have so many reasons to disconnect from our bodies.  Our bodies can feel unsafe because of assault or objectification, or the pressures of our cultural beauty standards.  Somatics helped me begin to see a mind-body connection that was strong and wise.  So I began planting seeds of connecting with my own body, and listening to and honoring her.

I had used art journaling in the past, but hadn't had much of a creative practice for a while.  I began to create, work in an art journal, paint and doodle - just for the fun of it.  In doing so, I frequently used tarot/oracle cards as part of my art journaling process and began to gain a lot of personal insight into what was happening for me.  Art journaling allowed me to observe my experience and find interesting connections.  It helped me plant seeds of nurturing my creativity and gaining insights into why I did some of the things I did.

Mindfulness had always been a part of the way I facilitated support groups, but I began to get curious about bringing it into my daily life.  I started do mindfulness exercises when I thought about it throughout my days and I noticed a difference in my reactivity and my ability to re-center myself when something tipped me over.  I could see that mindfulness was a small, useful, and very accessible tool to help me be with my emotions - even when they felt big.  It helped calm me when I felt like the chaos of life was going to drag me under.  And it helped me not to "check out" or turn to numbing behaviors when things got hard.  Mindfulness helped me plant seeds of being more present in my own life.

I read the book "Saved by a Poem" by Kim Rosen and it brought poetry to life in a new way for me.  I wrote my first poem when I was about 4 years old, I used to read poetry with my Nan, and those were treasured memories.  I started to memorize some of my favorite poems and I found myself reciting them at times when I previously might have found prayer helpful.  Poetry and all the beauty and wisdom it holds is a kind of scripture to me, I found it comforting and sometimes challenging or bringing new perspectives.  So much of poetry contains universal truths.  Poetry can be a conversation with someone I will never know that helps me see the world in a different way. As I continued to work with poetry - reading, writing, and memorizing it - I could feel that I was planting the seeds of a new kind of spirituality for me and a connection to something that was bigger than myself.

What does all of that have to do with dahlias?

During that season of moving myself out of the darkness of depression, I was doing all of these things.  I truly was working hard to pull myself out of those last cobwebs of that pit.  It felt like I was working hard.  I was frequently uncomfortable.  I was moving my mind and emotions into different configurations that were not familiar to me.  I was trying new things and pulling out old ones - sorting through to get rid of the tools that no longer were viable for me, to find the fresh ones that would sprout and help me grow.

Every so often, I'd have a flash of understanding exactly *how much* work I was doing.  I'd "stand back" and give my life a look, expecting to be so proud of all I was doing, but honestly there wasn't a lot of growth yet.  I'd planted lots and lots of seeds, but my body-mind-soul still felt a bit like I was just surveying a big ol' patch of dirt.  I would wonder when things in my life would feel more bright and colorful.  Just about the only thing I could do was to lean into the things friends and teachers told me - it would get better, things would bloom - just have patience and keep watering all the things I'd planted.

Watering a dirt patch over and over and just hoping that they are right is not an easy task when it comes to dahlias or personal growth and healing.  It's dirty and muddy and there are worms crawling in it and you *know* that you've put a whole bunch of work in, but you are still just looking at dirt.  It takes hope and commitment and trust that the process WILL work.  I learned that community makes planting seeds and being patient easier - knowing that others are a little further along or have walked the same path is incredibly encouraging. I was lucky to have a community of people who kept showing up for me on the regular, kept reflecting back to me the work they were seeing, and kept reminding me that I would indeed bloom again.

Spoiler alert:  I did.

Those seeds I planted led to deeper connections to myself and my identity. I began to see more clearly who I was in this world again.  Those seeds bore the fruit of deeper connection to the natural world and community, to my body, my intuition.  Those seeds helped me nurture a connection to something bigger than myself outside of religion, and helped me see that I was a whole, wise, capable and creative human.  And eventually, those seeds began to coalesce into meaningful work I could offer the world through Seeds of Connection.

So my dahlias are beginning to bloom and I'm thinking back to early summer when my back was achy and my fingernails were caked with grime, and all I could see out my front window were piles of dirt.  But I believed in my work and I trusted the process.  It leads me to thinking of that season many years ago, where I was doing new things that weren't always comfortable, and I chronically felt like a hot mess. When I surveyed my personal internal "landscape", it felt like the equivalent of looking at piles of dirt.  Back then, I don't know that I truly understood what exactly I was doing or how to trust the process, but looking back, I'm so thankful I planted all of those seeds for myself.  The work of it was challenging at times, but there were sprouts, and growth and blooms eventually.

In this season, I'm looking at my dahlia patch as they are beginning to bloom and open up and I'm thankful for the hard work I put in - even when it wasn't very gratifying at first. And I'm reflecting on that time of diving in to mindfulness, somatics, poetry, art journaling, and aaaalllll the other seeds of connection & healing & growth that I'd planted and feeling so grateful to my past self for that challenging work and for sticking with it until it bloomed.

And much like dahlias, or collecting seeds from plants, that investment keeps bringing joy and color and blooms to the world, now through Seeds of Connection groups and my other work. More importantly than that, I understand myself more deeply, I feel grounded (even in the chaotic dumpster fire that life can be sometimes!), and I LIKE myself and what I bring to this world.

So have a look at these dahlia pics, maybe think about what seeds YOU might like to plant in your life.  I'm curious:  would a Seeds of Connection group help support you in your next steps toward healing and growth?  

​Who am I and what do I bring to this work?  I'm Crystal (she/her), I'm an artist, listener, and community builder.  I've been a peer group facilitator for almost 10 years, supporting people through many of life's transitions through group work.  Many of the tools I bring to group work were developed through my own mental health journey and through deconstruction of 30 years inside Christian evangelical fundamentalism.  After years of my religious experience and the broader culture telling me not to listen to my intuition, I began to work with tarot/oracle cards to nurture my intuitive nature.  As I navigated moving through and out of a season of deep depression, I started using art journaling to explore my feelings and work on letting go of perfectionism. 

I have extensively studied - both self study, and community courses - and personally practice or use:  Hakomi, mindfulness, social justice/anti-racism/human liberation work, trauma and trauma informed practices, somatics, Internal Family Systems (IFS or "parts work"), therapeutic art, neurological and nervous system theory.  What I have discovered is that we as humans are inherently wise, capable, creative, and deeply intuitive; that we live in systems that benefit from these inherent skills and tools being "forgotten" or "buried"; and that with support and intention we can uncover and rediscover all the ways that we can move ourselves toward wholeness and healing. 

​I deeply believe in the power of human attention and in each person's unique, autonomous journey in discovering themselves.  I believe community care is self-care and vice versa.  I believe that we as humans are powerful self-healers, and that healing in community can be a meaningful and impactful experience.  I have seen that cultivating creativity, and learning to hold space for my emotions has allowed me to step more deeply into social justice and anti-racism work.  I choose to live out my values by creating spaces where we can bring all of these threads together in service of our personal and community healing.  I see myself as a peer facilitator, constantly learning and growing right alongside the folks who choose to do these groups with me.  

Read more about my training and my work here.

I've been asked many times, "What kinds of people sign up for Seeds of Connection groups?" and it has been a challenging question for me to answer.  There is an incredible amount of diversity in our groups - the ages range from late 20's up to mid 60's.  Some are parents and moms, and some are child free by choice, some have experienced child loss.  Groups have included women and non-binary folks, straight people, queer people, single people, married people, people practicing polyamory, and those single by choice.  There are those who identify as disabled or neurodivergent.  Many group members are people who are seeking deeper understanding of their own privilege.  We have folks in group who spiritually identify as pagan, Christian, agnostic, exvangelical, atheist, and more.  Some group members have done many groups with me, some are brand new.  There are people who are artists with formal art training, or who art journal regularly, and there are people who describe themselves as "terrible" at art.  The diversity of our group spaces is something I really love and celebrate!  

When I considered what the common thread might be what I came up with is that most of the people who come into these group spaces are people who are longing to go deeper in some way.  Current and previous group members are people who want to:

• learn to sit with, accept, and understand more deeply their own emotions
• deepen their connection to their own intuition
• deepen their connection to their creativity
• be more committed to their own self-care
• step more deeply into social justice and anti-racism work
• build their capacity for holding space for themselves and others
• create deeper connections in their relationships
• deepen their ability to parent their children with joy and compassion
• access more support for the ways that their life and identities are changing and transitioning
• deepen their understanding of how unresolved trauma affects their life
• build their capacity for recognizing patterns, beliefs, and behaviors in their life that no longer serve them
• build a bigger "village" of support and friendship
• deepen their art journaling practice or how they relate to art making
• challenge themselves to step out of perfectionism
• create opportunities to take the next steps and trust the process - even when it feels scary
• learn and practice using tools to ground and center themselves - even as we live through stressful, ongoing, "unprecedented times"
• support concurrent work with a therapist, or build on previous therapeutic work
• get more comfortable with making mistakes and sitting with the unknown
• give themselves space to explore different ways of expressing and connecting to their spirituality
• deepen their connection to and acceptance of their bodies and their body + mind connection
• build their capacity for doing personal work in the realms of self-acceptance and self-compassion
• deepen their knowledge of who they are and what is important to them
• have support for their personal and unique self-healing journey
• be more present in their own lives

​Not every person who participates in Seeds of Connection wants to mark off everything on this list, but most folks are thinking about deepening their connections in one or more of these ways.  If any of these resonate for you, maybe you want to join us for an upcoming group cycle!

​Each week we do things like:

• Use a unique art journaling process that will offer play, exploration, curiosity, surprises, and insights.
• Have time for community sharing to connect, offer each other support, and have juicy discussions about lots of different topics.
• Participate in art and journaling exercises to nurture intuition and develop tools to track and learn to shift our inner experience.
• Learn about things like: neuroplasticity & our beautiful adaptive brains, nervous system stress responses & strategies to calm, reset and address what's causing the stress response.
• Benefit from co-regulation with a facilitator experienced in creating virtual spaces and with other participants through somatic (mind + body) based practices that can deepen our capacity for self-healing and regulation.
• Practice mindfulness, grounding & centering, and body based stress and trauma tools to grow our self-regulating abilities.
• Gather resources to add to our personal "toolbox" for self-growth, self-awareness, and personal healing.
• Gain understanding about how to listen to our own intuition, step out of perfectionism, and live in deeper alignment to the values that are important to each of us.
• Unpack the ways that systemic gender oppression, capitalism, colonization, white supremacy, patriarchy and other marginalizing and oppressive systems have impacted the ways that we navigate our world.
• Cultivate tools that can help us step more deeply into anti-racism, anti-oppression, social justice, and human liberation work.
• Learn to work with tools from Hakomi, Internal Family Systems ("parts" work), and re-parenting approaches to move toward shifts in our core beliefs that might be negatively impacting our relationship to self and others.​
• Gain understanding about how to support ourselves when we are dysregulated, "triggered" or activated.  Learn how to move through these feelings and rebalance.
• Nurture ourselves with the gift of intentional time for self-care and creativity.
• Learn new things about ourselves. LAUGH. Begin to understand what it means to actually "trust the process". Create terrible art.  Create amazing art.  Connect with authentic people. Grow. Heal. Fall in love with ourselves.

​Resentment, anger, worry, loss of direction, the chatter of our inner critic, numbing behaviors, feelings of chronic overwhelm, painful cycles in our relationships, inability to be fully present....these can often be messengers, offering a signal that something needs our attention. Our inner world speaks to us, sounds an alarm, tells us that something inside longs to be noticed, to be witnessed, and to be offered the compassion and space to move toward healing.  

​We already have within us all that we need to move toward wholeness and healing - curiosity, compassion, imagination, care, wisdom, love, sometimes we just need a space to clear the clutter that obscures these innate tools so that we can access them and offer them to ourselves in service of our own growth and healing. 

Sometimes we need intentional space where we can be supported to be brave enough to take the next steps.  We can be helped in this work by a kind, compassionate guide who has been there and can offer us encouragement and suggestions.  We can find courage through connecting with other real humans who are doing this work alongside us.

Sometimes we need to learn to listen to our own quiet, internal voice that knows just what to do.  Sometimes we need to challenge our old stories and patterns.  Sometimes we need to get cozy with discomfort and engage with emotions or experiences that we've attempted to push down and bury.  We can learn to be with emotions that aren't comfortable.  We can learn to hold ourselves kindly and compassionately through shame, negative thoughts, fear of failure.  We can challenge ourselves to take risks, to be more authentic, to offer ourselves true compassion, to create new pathways in our thinking, to notice the patterns in ourselves and our relationships, and to take next steps even when it feels scary.  We can let go of anger and resentment.  We can (re)learn how to show up to and be fully present in our lives.

When we step into spaces where have the support we need to practice these things, our lives can begin to flow in new and exciting ways.  That "stuck" feeling may begin to ease and we might begin to imagine a different way forward.  "Imagination is the first step in creation."*  We can be powerful agents of change in our own lives.  Sometimes to create that change, we just need a place to reconnect to our imagination, to remind ourselves of our own power, and to practice and take the first steps.

* "Imagination is the first step in creation." = this quote is attributed to several different people, but the 3 I see most often are ​Sally Clarkson, Farid F. Ibrahim, William Walker Atkinson

​Seeds of Connection is a trauma informed group experience that uses a variety of tools to foster self-awareness and opportunities to shift toward growth, change, and healing. We use art journaling, mindfulness, poetry, somatic practices, tarot/oracle cards, peer support, and more to strengthen our connection to our inner resources.  We learn to work with these tools intuitively and with courage.  We use our art journals to discover new insights, and create from a place of play, curiosity, and authenticity.  This process of self-exploration in community can help us uncover the wisdom that lives within, the answers we already hold, and can deepen our confidence in knowing that we are the experts in our own lives.

This is not group therapy, nor is it a workshop that is just for artists or for teaching specific art techniques.  It's a community for people who are interested in getting more curious about themselves and the way they navigate the world.  It's a place for learning and un-learning, where we can explore connections to ourselves, each other, and the natural world.  We have opportunities to explore our spirituality (outside of religion, in whatever way is right for us), our creativity, and our connections to our values around things like social justice, mental health, and community care.

Each group meets online, weekly for 6 weeks.  The facilitated work we do together, is intended to build skills and insight to nurture a more curious and compassionate relationship with your inner experience.  Over the 6 sessions, you will discover and learn in-depth ways of using a variety of tools to explore the themes, motivations, core beliefs, and dynamics of your authentic self, and your inner wisdom. This work can help you connect with yourself in a less critical and more compassionate way. 

During our time together, I will guide you through these processes and support you to feel brave and resourced to make shifts in your personal beliefs and patterns, and to challenge and re-define stories imposed from your family of origin,  culture, or other external sources.  Every bit of our work in group sessions is rooted in consent - you choose how you participate, and your choices about your participation are always 100% ok.

Making art together isn't about your skill level or a perceived "lack of talent", it's used to support you in working on letting go of perfectionism, of making new discoveries, of learning to play and try new things, of being uncomfortable, of taking next steps - even when you don't know exactly where something is going - all important skills to develop and lean into when it comes to re-writing our old stories or developing intuition and trusting ourselves.  Recent research and understanding in cognitive and neurological science has shown new forms of evidence on art and the brain. Researchers have found evidence that visual art promotes health, wellness, and fosters adaptive responses to stress.  My personal experience with the unique method of art journaling that I've developed is that we can make interesting and surprising discoveries and connections.

Maybe you have found that logical, left-brain, or cognitive methods of working toward growth, healing, or change have not been effective.  Maybe you are feeling "stuck", or like you have reached a plateau of what other methods can offer you.  Possibly you want something to enhance or work with therapy work you are already doing, or maybe traditional therapy just isn't for you.  This group experience may be a good fit for you if you are interested in engaging your right-brain, listening to the wisdom of your body, or just trying something new to support your healing and growth journey.

​​Some links for basic info:

• You can find the basic overview and current calendar and registration for Seeds of Connection here.
• You can find an FAQ with more info about the commonly asked questions here.
• ​You can see a video of me talking about what you can expect in a typical Seeds of Connection group here.
• Find me on Instagram for more participant art and peeks into what we do in group: @laidbacksparkle
• If you are finding this blog post when there are no current groups open for registration, you can add your name to the waitlist here.